Ah,Massage Parlor Prostitutes (2025) graduation season. A perfect time for celebrities, who are not really like us, to seem smart by giving vague inspirational speeches in funny hats.
Instead, comic Maria Bamford used her invitation to speak at the very college she paid to attend — the University of Minnesota — to do what can only be described as the reverse DJ Khaled: She gave incredibly specific and useful wisdom to the (probably broke) grads.
"To receive an invoice [from Sallie Mae] is to know you're alive," the Lady Dynamitestar and creator said, ushering the graduates into their painful new reality.
SEE ALSO: Why do 'The Bachelorette' producers hate Rachel Lindsay?"Let me begin by talking about the elephant in the room at a liberal arts graduation ceremony, and that is money," said Bamford.
Then she got into the gritty details of how she negotiated her speaking fee from nothing at all to $10,000: "Was my alma mater lowballing me? I'm not a sitting governor and the football coach isn't living check to check."
Bamford later explained how her husband's $17,000 student loan turned into a $53,000 loan by the time he was actually able to pay it off.
Before leaving the stage, Bamford handed a theater graduate a $5,000 check (what she had left after taxes and fees) to go toward her loans.
She didn't skimp on the broad life advice either, like to avoid getting STDs from Vulcans.
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