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I can Watch Black Panther Onlineget down with some terrible Christmas movies.

I've willingly watched Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez have no chemistry in Holiday in Handcuffs. I was raised on Earnest Saves Christmas. And I'll watch Love Actually any day of the week.

So you know you can believe me when I say Netflix's new El Camino Christmas, starring Tim Allen, Dax Shepherd, and Jessica Alba,is basically unwatchable.

SEE ALSO: Netflix is turning up the cheese-factor with these holiday originals

It's one of those "wrong place, wrong time, which turns into a hostage situation and people die," holiday movies. Ya know. One of those.

And seriously, this complete mess of a movie is basically for no one.

Original image has been replaced. Credit: Mashable

Allow me the grim pleasure to break down why.

Spoilers follow if you care. Which you shouldn't.

Never has a holiday movie been filled with so many wretched characters

In some other timeline, El Camino Christmas is a touching, yet campy, story about an out of town twenty-somthing who goes looking for his father in a small Nevadan town during Christmas time.

Of course, thisversion of the Netflix-produced movie probably wouldn't have a bottom of the barrel alcoholic almost lighting his house on fire after being badly beaten by random ne'er-do-wells. It probably wouldn't have the drunk, racist, abusive police officer who plants drugs on the twenty-something, and then tries to brutally murder him to cover his tracks. It probably wouldn't have the tone-deafness of multiplepolice officers shooting blindly at fleeing suspects. It probably wouldn't have so much death?

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Even Dax Shepherd, whom I can only assume is meant to be the bumbling comic relief because of a few context clues in the script, has bewildering moments of ruthless cowardice and lawlessness, which makes it impossible to even like what its supposed to be a likeable character.

Even the main character twenty-something goes ahead and points a gun at innocent people because... well, I don't know why he makes that decision.

Is this a slapstick comedy or a super depressing drama

Holiday movies, and really most movies, should have an understanding about tone. Like, you should know what a movie wants you to think about it. A movie should know what it wants you to feel. And El Camino Christmasdoesn't have a goddam clue.

There is this one scene which sums it up perfectly. During the beginning of that whole messy hostage situation, two policemen are the first to arrive. Dax Shepherd, the deputy, takes the rear and Kurtwood Smith, the sheriff who was also the That 70s Show dad, takes the front. And wouldn't you know it, they end up firing at each other through the convenient store because they foolishly think that the people inside are shooting at them. The scene is complete with goofy music, and wild takes from the actors, while their stupidity is on full display for the audience to laugh at. I guess.

There is no realization from the people making the movie that there are innocent people, including a child (!), in the store who could be hit by the stray bullets. It's a moment of actual tension that is played off like a slapstick bit.

Holiday movies especially are supposed to be a special breed of tone purity. You know the main character's established relationship will end in a satisfying, justified way so that they can get with the new, miraculous love interest. For instance: they will find out their fiancé is cheating, they will realize their longtime S.O. is actually as terrible, or some death will have occurred and they haven't moved on yet.

I mean, the movie straight up ends with Tim Allen dying in a hail of gunfire, ending a situation which REALLY could have been explained to the cops and everything would have worked out just fine. I really didn't expect some weird, heavy, redemptive, Christ-like moment springing out of what began as a whacky, whoopsie-doodle situation. And I don't think I should have expected it.

Why in the hell is Jessica Alba here?

Poor Jessica Alba was so obviously dragged into this movie for one more big name to put on the poster and probably because without her the movie only has one female character and they wanted another. 😕

She plays a pregnant news reporter who gets her big break covering the hostage situation, in a side story that has no arc, no pay off, and no reason to be there. She only gets the barest of time with any of the other main cast. She has no point in this movie and it couldn't be more apparent.

She deserves better than this, and if you watch it, you should be angry that the movie wasted your time with such an incredibly unnecessary subplot.

There's something that's kind of a shame about this movie, because it has a number of, at the very least, interestingactors in it. Vincent D'Onofrio is always fascinating. Jessica Alba and Dax Shepherd sometimes can do good stuff. Tim Allen was in at least one classic Christmas movie.

But Jesus in his manger this is a mess. Just rewatch Christmas Vacation. You'll be fine.

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Topics Netflix